Messing Up

I mess up all the time.

I don't like to mess up. My husband will agree to the fact that an obsession for being right runs in my blood. And being right means doing it right.

And I feel as though I'm doing it all wrong some days.

Zeke, my strong, capable, smart, figure-it-out-myself almost-two year old, is the reason I mess up. Or at least as of late he has given me plenty of reasons to believe that I am messing up. Just in the last few days, he has pushed down babies, been way too loud, thrown a fit over not getting seconds on ice cream, done exactly what I tell him not to do immediately after I tell him, thrown a fit over needing to hold hands in the parking lot, and hit his brother (many times). I could probably go on, but it's not necessary, or pleasant.

I wonder why. Why does it seem like my parenting with my second boy is not as effective as with my first? Why do I have trouble reaching through to him? Why are there these behaviors that just seem to perpetuate, no matter what I do or say?

And in my heart, I know my biggest mess up. 

When I was a new mom, I was utterly dependent on God for guidance and wisdom. I didn't know what I was doing, and I knew I would mess it up, so I leaned on God, praying that he would work through me, that he would enable me to be a good parent for his son, Noah. 

It's hard to admit, but I've gotten a little cocky the second time around. It is still the desire of my heart that I would be a good parent for my boys, but I don't lean on God the way that I did, or know I should.

So, my little Zeke, forgive me. Just as you mess up in little ways every day, so do I. Tonight, I will begin anew my humble walk of being your mommy. And I'll stop trying to get it right on my own.

Thankfully, there is hope for us both in the loving and gracious arms of our Daddy.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Celebrating Love

I got to spend yesterday evening with the man who holds my heart. My love and I were blessed to be able to celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary with some wonderful (uninterrupted) conversation, some delicious pasta, a cool-of-the-evening walk, and warm mugs accompanying dessert. Some people celebrate with a bottle of wine... we did with decaf coffee. (It was past 8:00, okay!)

The celebration of our anniversary had a unique perspective for me this year. For the last two weeks, I have also been in the throws of planning a celebration for my parents's anniversary--not just any anniversary, their 50th!! Even though theirs won't be a huge affair (thank you, Pinterest, for showing me all the things I won't be doing for my parents...), the preparations for it have given my heart time to consider a little more what my parents' marriage is all about, and how to best honor them and thank them for their years of dedication and love.

You could say I had a lot of catching up to do in my research on their marriage. For goodness' sake, they had been married for 17 years already by the time I was born. I asked about homes they lived in and schedules they kept. I asked about their pets and about their churches. I asked about trips they took together and about their dates. And then my dad said something that gave me pause.

"I was never the type of man who made enough money to take your mother out on dates."

He said it with a twinge of sadness or regret in his voice.

And then he recounted a time that he tried to take my mom out for a special anniversary meal at a Korean restaurant, and they were served cabbage that tasted horrible. And he felt sorry that it did not turn out to be the beautiful celebration that he had anticipated.

I was instantly sad that "dating" was not a part of their married life, mostly because going on dates with my husband is one of my most favorite things about my marriage. I was also blindsided with the reality that God has provided Dave and me with blessing upon blessing--each time we get to go out to spend time together is a privilege. And then I was humbled by the many times I have taken that for granted.

My mom piped up from the background, "We didn't go on dates. We had children instead!"

If you could ask my parents if they would give back any one of their six kids in exchange for more dates, they might stare at you in disbelief that you would ask such a stupid question.

And so, my question is this: in an age when all the marriage experts talk about the importance of dating your spouse, what were the things my parents did that held their marriage together, in love, through the good and the bad? I came up with a few from my perspective. I'm sure they could share more.

Christ is their cornerstone. They are one in faith and service to God, and He has blessed their marriage with many years because of it.

They never let divorce enter the conversation. My mom moved from living a "comfortable" life in the nice home of a successful businessman (her dad), to less-than-ideal church parsonages and pinching every penny. But she still loved her husband and stayed by his side. My dad had to go through many years of seeing my mom battle severe and manic depression. But he still loved his wife and stayed by her side. Their actions of love were strong, even when their feelings of love were probably weak.

They always believed that their kids were God's kids first, and that we were just in under their care for a time. We children were undoubtedly important to them, but it was clear that our parents' relationship with God was their first priority, and that the same should be true for us kids. There is no doubt that this brought a plumb line to our family and their marriage.

I think my folks have done alright with their system. Six kids, each in a relationship with Jesus, married to wonderful spouses. Sixteen grandchildren who love them dearly.  A legacy of craziness and love and grace for those of us who follow them. Not much money in the bank but treasure upon treasure in heaven.

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

Proverbs 14:26

Worry

The heart of a man plans his way, but The Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way? Proverbs 20:24

Noah needs down time. He enjoys his quiet, personal time. When he was an infant, he would have his most fussy nights following days when there had been a lot of people interaction. When he was only two, I would let him play in the back yard by himself for what seemed like an exceedingly long time to me. But he was very content, digging in the dirt, with his thoughts alone to keep him company.

This week, it seems that he's needed more alone time than normal. Perhaps his brain is going through a "growth spurt." Perhaps he's getting tired of trying to mesh his passive preferences with His little brother's commanding behavior. Perhaps the social and cognitive work of preschool has been overly taxing.

Whatever it is, this mama starts to worry about what the future holds for my first born. I wonder if he'll try to process issues from school by spending time alone. I wonder if he'll react to people he's frustrated with by shutting them out. I wonder if I'll know when things are wrong or when he's made bad choices or when he's spiritually struggling. Will I know? will I even have a clue? or will he just try to resolve it by turning inward?

---

I feel like I didn't worry until I became a mom.

And it's really silly to worry about "what if's" that are ten years down the road. Jesus plainly says not to do it. It's not productive; adds nothing to this day. When I can't even be sure about what might happen tomorrow, there's simply no way for me to know the plans that God has for my life. Or my son's life, for that matter. So, trying to control possible situations that might come up sometime in the future? Absurd. The only thing I should be worrying about is how best to follow him today.

Yet, God can turn these worries into something for his good. 

They prepare me. They prepare my heart and mind for some of the struggles that will undoubtedly arise in a sinful world, as I work to raise these children who have been adopted by their Father. They challenge me. They help me formulate how I parent today, knowing that this gift of parenthood brings with it some great responsibilities. They lead me. Most of all, they send me running into his arms of grace.

I don't know what the best reaction to Noah's alone time is. I don't know how to say the right things now so that I can "solve" his future problems. I don't know what decisions I'll regret and what I wish I would have done differently.

I do know this: his Heavenly Father knows all of that.

And that brings me humbly to my knees, asking God for the mercy to follow him this day, in these moments, praying that I would put myself aside and let His wisdom light the path he has planned for his little royalty.

Hero

Today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not panic or be terrified by them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:3-4

What is it about little boys and heroes?

There has been quite a lot of hero talk around our house lately. My oldest child recently celebrated his fourth birthday. As a part of that, a handful of little heroes donned their capes and equipped themselves with silly string to attack the villains. And Spiderman was everywhere: on the cake, covering the bike, in books, on a puzzle, and on a sprinkler, for goodness' sake.  It was so much fun.

During a car conversation last week, Dave and I asked Noah if Spiderman was real or fake. (We also have these discussions about Santa, the Easter Bunny...)  "Real," he said. 

I wonder if he was disappointed to discover that day that not only was Spiderman pretend, but so were Batman, Ironman and all the other superheroes he knew. I wonder what was going through his head. Was he disappointed that he would never get to see Spidey swing from building to building? Was he sad that the real world might not be as exciting as the pretend world? Was he wondering why there's so much attention and hype to things that aren't real?

And then I brought myself to sputter out the cliche: "Jesus is our real superhero."

He was kind of quiet in his usual way and then went on to another topic.

What was it in me that made saying something so real feel silly? What is it about our current day that makes Jesus as Superhero seem like a Sunday School nicety rather than the earth-shaking truth? 

Perhaps we get stuck in seeing him in his "alter ego," rather than seeing the power that lies beneath the surface.

I feel like King David had a good grip on God as his superhero:

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

    I look in triumph on my enemies.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

All the nations surrounded me,

    but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.

They surrounded me on every side,

    but in the name of the Lord I cut them down.

They swarmed around me like bees,

    but they were consumed as quickly as burning thorns;

    in the name of the Lord I cut them down.

I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

The Lord is my strength and my defense;

    he has become my salvation.

Psalm 118:6-14

I have never had enemies attacking me from all sides, let alone one side. But I can think of ways that I can draw attention and hype and sing some "Superhero Praises" of God. I can think of ways that my own eyes have seen God pull out his super power. 

I want to begin to share all of those ways God has saved real people in real danger, all the ways he attacks real enemies, and all the ways that he shows his real strength, so that my boys can begin to learn that He is a real hero who can be trusted in any situation, who fights for what is right, and who has won victory for them.

On Becoming Mommy

Four years ago, people would walk up to me, saying, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if he was born today? That would be a perfect Mother's Day gift!" I was on the cusp of becoming a new mom then, and it doesn't seem so long ago... until I look at my 3 1/2 foot-tall almost-four-year-old boy.

I think about all the lessons I have learned about myself, and how I relate to others (particularly my family). I've learned a thing or two about expectations, exhaustion, patience, endurance, and anger. I've learned a lot about service and sacrifice and love. Being a mom has without a doubt changed me, and I feel like I have become a better mom than I was four years ago.

And then I think about my good friend, who has been a mom for over nine years, and I wonder how I will grow and change and improve in the five years to come.

And then I think about my own mom, who will reach the 49-year mark very soon. I think about all the lessons that she has learned, and wonder if she still finds herself growing in her capacity to mother. I think about all of her experiences and the wisdom she has gleaned from those.

And then I think about our heavenly Father, who has been raising sons and daughters for a very, very long time. I think about his wisdom, his experience, his insight, and his qualifications. And then I think about how sometimes I respond to him with disrespect, or disregard, or distrust. And it seems quite silly to think that I act in ways that do not heed wisdom which has the experience of millennia to back it up.

And then I pray that I would grow into the type of mother who would let the wisdom of the eternal Father flow through me to reach his little royalty.

Copycat

I sometimes feel like I live in an echo.  

If one boy is doing it, the other will surely copy soon. Noah says, "Ow!" Zeke says, "Ow!!" Noah starts digging in the dirt; Zeke digs in the dirt. Noah sings "hi-ho-hi-ho, it's off to work we go" over and over (because it's the only part of the song he knows) and Zeke tries his best to imitate in his sweet singing voice. 

It goes the other way, too, you know. If Zeke decides to forgo his spoon and reaches into his bowl to pull his cereal out of the milk with his hands, Noah will dig his hand into his bowl.  Zeke will take off his shoes in the car; Noah will take off his shoes in the car. Zeke will pour water out of the bathtub; Noah will pour water out of the bathtub (after he has done a quick "parent-check" to see who's paying attention).

They are copycats, and typically their antics keep me laughing.

As Zeke tries to do more and more things that Noah does, he has begun to learn a thing about limitations.  When he wants to break an egg, I tell him he needs to wait until he's a little older.  When he wants some "screen time," we tell him that he can when he's three. When he sees Noah jumping off a high ledge at a playground, something intrinsically tells him that he needs to slither down on his belly until he's a little bigger.

As parents, we see very clearly how some kids are ready for certain things while others are not. 

Perhaps God has such a view of us. 

As I compare myself to friends, family and acquaintances, I often assume that I could or should be doing what they are doing.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not doing the kinds of things they are doing, or like I should be doing more to match their level of commitment to family, church, or work.

How often do I forget to gaze up at my Father in those moments, asking with wide eyes, "Can I do what she's doing?" I wonder how often he would retort with, "Not yet. You need to wait until you're a little older." 

Oh, that I would learn to be a copycat of his timing.

Rest

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." Exodus 20:8-11

A day without work. A holy, Sabbath day.

Noah likes to watch Curious George (the half hour variety on PBS) EVERY day. it is often the very first thing he asks about in the mornings, "Is Curious George on yet?" Heard by a person like me, who can think of so many better ways to spend time than to watch TV, it usually makes me cringe. I know that routines are important for a three-year-old, but I also don't want him to build his day around making sure he can watch "the monkey." So, I began to establish a "rest from Curious George" on Sundays. It's not on TV, so that helps, but he also knows by now that we won't even pull it up on YouTube, which we routinely do for him on Saturdays. I hope that he is beginning to understand that Sundays are set apart. Different. Special.

And, as is the case most times that I try to teach someone else something, I have begun to learn a little myself about making Sundays set apart, different, and special.

When I was working outside the home, it felt pretty easy to "remember the Sabbath day."  I told my boss that I wasn't available to work on Sundays, and that was that.  The only challenge I ever received was the occasional guilt trip from my boss that she really wanted me to be available on Sundays. Easy.

Now that I have shifted to working as a stay-at-home mom, "remembering the Sabbath" has become a new challenge.  My primary job is that of raising little boys. Can you just imagine? Reading a book, changing a diaper, helping with play-doh, feeding hungry bellies... "Sorry, sweetie, but Mommy doesn't work on Sundays. Do you want to schedule that for tomorrow?"  NOT easy [or possible].

However, God has been challenging my motives for the things that I do on Sundays. Without the excuse of my outside work to cling to, he has opened my eyes to all the ways that I "work" on a day that is supposed to be devoted to him. I used to always do my grocery shopping on Sundays (it seemed to fit best into my schedule then). I used to get a jump start on the week's laundry on Sundays (there's always plenty of laundry around this house...and the washing machine does most of the work, right?)

So I don't do my grocery shopping on Sundays any more. Laundry also came off of the options of things to do on Sundays. I've also been working [hard] on staying off-line (no browsing or Facebooking or news article reading). I'm also trying to minimize the other chores I do around the house, from food prep to yard work.

To be honest, it is hard to give up those things. It seems like if I could just do a little bit, then I won't feel so behind on Monday. And I honestly struggle a bit during nap time, wondering, "What can I do now?" 

And then I remind myself that God will indeed be faithful to show me what to do, or rather, what he is doing. 

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from him.

Psalm 65:5