Imperfect

When my firstborn son was born, he was perfect. The eyes, the little nose, the chin, the peach fuzz all over. I was enamored (and so thankful) for all of the perfect little intricate parts.

About two weeks later, a birthmark showed up on his left cheek.  And I felt like God put that birthmark there for me, as if to say, "This child is not perfect."

That was an important day for me, the day that I realized my son was not perfect.  He was handsome and precious and cute and wonderful, but not flawless.  My mind knew this, of course, but my heart was still holding on to the hope that my child, this child, would be perfect.

And God continues to show me how imperfect this child is: like the tantrum he threw immediately following our mom-and-son breakfast date this morning, or the nasty behavior last Thursday that made my blood boil.  

And I am so thankful for these imperfections.

For if he was perfect, I would become proud.  If he was perfect, I would begin to think more highly of him than I ought.  If he was perfect, I would lose compassion for other moms.  If he was perfect, I would not pray so often.

So I am thankful for the imperfections, because they help to teach me to focus on the One who is perfect and who promises to share perfection with us in eternity.

At the same time, they open the door for me to teach my little imperfect one that he is loved perfectly by his Father.

He is the Rock, his works are perfect,

and all his ways are just.

A faithful God who does no wrong,

upright and just is he.

Deuteronomy 32:4

Dream

My love and I like to go on dates where we drink coffee together. We also like to read together. It was on one of those recent evenings when we were reading while drinking coffee that we were encouraged by a devotion to "Dream Venti."  VENTI, as in BIG.

For starters, I am not a very good dreamer. When it came to trying to chose a career path, for example, I wanted someone else to just tell me what to do.  I was not the grad school student who dreamed of world peace or large-scale change.  I never grew up dreaming about the perfect wedding or planning my future children's names.  Perhaps I am too much of a pragmatist to give much weight to something that seems so flimsy.

And on days like today, dreaming seems way out of the question.  It took all of the energy I had this morning to just keep my sanity! Dreaming of something for the future that's out of my reach doesn't have much of a say when I feel as though I am surrounded by loud and demanding little boys. 

Perhaps that is why God has been slamming me with messages all week about dreaming big, like these:

"True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do. It is coming to Me with an open mmd and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you. I may infuse within you a dream that seems far beyond your reach." Jesus Calling, Jan 5

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations" Ephesians 3:20-21

It's on days like today that I definitely need to be reminded that God has a plan, a dream for me that is far greater than getting a squirmy toddler to sit long enough so I can strap him into his carseat. He sees things much more important than the glass of apple juice that spilled on the floor.  I can easily get overwhelmed by these small things.  

I'd rather see my days, weeks and years through God's eyes than my own. I want to pursue those things that bring meaning to the BIG dream that's in my future. Today, I want to do what He's up to, not the meager things that I have planned for the next six hours.  I want to learn how to DREAM BIG, and how to follow those dreams.

I want to teach those loud and demanding little boys how to follow their Father. I want to foster the BIG dreams that God has already and will place in their hearts. I want to listen and follow more, and plan and obsess less. I want us to be a family that's willing to shed off the past, the comfy routines, and the obligatory engagements in order to pursue something really BIG.

"For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

Humble

Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they were saying:“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!” Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying: “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!”

Revelation 5:11-13   

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.          

Luke 2:6-7

Over the last three months, I have had the opportunity to dive into the book of Revelation in the Bible, and hear how it describes the majesty, authority, and "otherness" of Jesus. Some of the language is beautiful.  Some of it is frightening.  All of it is powerfully overwhelming.

Last week, God opened my eyes to the sheer ludicrousness of his plan: that the prince of heaven, who is worshipped and adored by countless angels and all creation (as in, literally, everything), would desire to put all that aside to come to live as one of us.  The juxtaposition of an almighty conquerer to a crying newborn in a barn is just silly.   Incomprehensible.  Humble.

And then I ran across these verses as I was doing devotions:

He has shown you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. -Micah 6:8

Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble. -Psalm 138:6

But I will leave within you the meek and humble, who trust in the name of the Lord. -Zephaniah 3:12

Humble.

I feel as though I am humbled almost daily in my job as a wife and mom.  I lose my patience with Noah. I am selfish with Dave. I let the hours pass without using them to the fullest with Zeke. I realize my inadequacies.  I get jealous, judgmental, complacent, comfortable. And when I look at what God expects of me, I am ashamed, and humbled.

And then, he lifts my chin, and shows me the never-ending, always pursuing love he has for me. And I am no longer ashamed.  


I am humbled.  And that is just where he desires I be.

But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over ideal, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times. 

Micah 5:2

Given

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12 

This Advent, my heart has been working through different strategies to keep the focus in our house on the main gift, Jesus. Noah understands the concept of getting a gift more this year than in past years, and he is very excited now about all things Christmas. One of the first things he mentioned to me this morning, as the sun was still creeping toward the horizon, was that in a few days it would be Christmas, and that meant that he could eat a candy cane! 

Christmas 2012

Regularly, Dave and I try to remind the boys to stay focused on the real reason for celebrating Christmas by asking the question, "Is Christmas all about.... (candy canes)?" Sometimes Noah answers yes, sometimes no. But we always come back to the question, telling him again and again that the answer is Jesus. 

The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world. He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. John 1:9-11

Sometimes, it's easy for us to reject Jesus, even Christians, even in the midst of this season. 

If I had no Christmas tree lighting up the dark evenings in my house, if there were no presents to give and to receive, if there were no stockings to hang, no special songs, no family gatherings, no cookies or candy canes or peppermint hot chocolate, no candlelit services, would I still celebrate the birth of The Lord of the universe, coming to earth to give his life as a ransom? I pray that I would.

I pray that I go about celebrating Christmas in the midst of all this abundance with a spirit that would lead my boys to know that the greatest gift that comes on Christmas is the right given to them to be children of God.

My Story

Taking her by the hand he said to her, "Talitha cumin," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise." Mark 5:41

And [Jesus] said to him, "Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." Mark 5:19



During the Thanksgiving worship service at my church this year, we were encouraged to think about "our story," the story of God at work in our life.  And we were challenged to share it.

Here's mine:

God has taken my proud and arrogant head and crushed it.  

He has shown me my weaknesses. 

He has brought to light my faults.

He has led me away from the path I prepared for myself…

Only to take me to His path, the one he had prepared for me from days of old.

He showed me my faults only to show me a way to mend them.

He brought forth my weaknesses so that I could understand the depths of his strength.

He crushed my head, so that He could have its place.

And for all of this, I am forever thankful.

Watch

"Mommy!  Watch me!"

I wish I would be able to keep a running tally of how many times I hear this throughout the day.  If Noah is doing something that he is proud of, he proceeds to alert me with this catchphrase at least once every 30 seconds while he is going about trying out his new-found skill.

"Mommy!  Watch me!"

"Mommy!  Watch me!"

"Mommy!  Watch me!"

"Okay," I reply.

And then, as soon as he's completed his feat (trying to stand on his head, catapulting his stuffed toy monkey off of a book, sliding across the floor on his knees), I hear,

"Did you see that, Mommy?"

"Yes, Noah, I was watching you."

He wants to be watched if he's doing something really amazing or something totally mundane.  He wants to be watched first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  He wants to be watched at home, outside, at the park, at school.  It is so frequent, it has turned into one of those things where I have to remind myself to enjoy it, rather than be annoyed by it.  Even if I've seen him slide across the floor a dozen times, he still wants to know that I'm watching him for the thirteenth time.

[The Lord] will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore. Psalm 121:7-8

What an image: we don't have to ask God to watch us.  He does so out of his great power and mercy.  Perhaps as grown-ups, we would rather that God not watch our every move, because we know he would not be proud to see some of the things we do.  But he watches us, as a loving dad watches his kids, making sure to warn us when we attempt "feats" that might harm us, and rejoicing when we do things that imitate his heart.

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

For Granted

A week ago, I successfully completed a half marathon, which is a fun yet challenging distance to run. It is a walk in the park to marathon runners, but seemingly unattainable to non-runners. It takes several months of planning and devoted training, and a little bit of insanity, to run for two hours straight. This particular year's race was special to me.  I have completed three half marathons before this one, but the last one took place in 2006, before my body added "childbirth" to its repertoire. After having two babies, I wasn't sure I would ever run in a competitive way again. God made it possible for me to have the time to train and gave me, once again, the physical ability to run. And it was so. much. fun.

All runners have a different attitude about running after finishing a race they've been training for. Some are signing up for the next one 10 minutes after they cross the finish line. Some swear they'll never put on running shoes again. (I've done both, by the way.) This week, I was excited to get back out and go for a 3-4 mile run.  And my first post-race run was wonderful: a beautifully crisp morning, plenty of energy, strong legs, clear thoughts.  As I was talking to God on my run (as I typically do, since he's my only "running buddy" these days), he was reminding me what a blessing it was to be able to run.  And my mind was flooded with all the individuals I know personally and from a distance who are not physically able to run. I was reminded of several times in my life when I've needed to take a break from running. I was reminded of those who do not have the privileges in life that allow for free time and free space to run.  And those thoughts make any aches or soreness seem completely arbitrary, complaints completely immature.

I think about this often in my duties of being a mom--the way in which I am privileged to even be one. I'm always surprised at how wrapped up I can get in the the little "aches and soreness" of motherhood. In days spent in parenthood, there always seem to be some sore joints, and muscles that tighten too quickly, and impatience to reach the next mile marker, and feelings of weariness.  But there are people out there whose hearts yearn for those pains.  They would gladly take on the pain if it would mean that they would be able to partake in the activity. I am blessed to have the pains I do.

My community grieves today for a boy who died in a fatal bicycle accident on the way to school this morning.  There is a mom tonight who wishes she had the simple aches of arguments and laundry to deal with.  But she is left with a much bigger ache.  May I never take for granted the gift that has been given me of each new day with my boys (and the aches that accompany it).

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.

When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3