A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way? Proverbs 20:24
Noah needs down time. He enjoys his quiet, personal time. When he was an infant, he would have his most fussy nights following days when there had been a lot of people interaction. When he was only two, I would let him play in the back yard by himself for what seemed like an exceedingly long time to me. But he was very content, digging in the dirt, with his thoughts alone to keep him company.
This week, it seems that he's needed more alone time than normal. Perhaps his brain is going through a "growth spurt." Perhaps he's getting tired of trying to mesh his passive preferences with His little brother's commanding behavior. Perhaps the social and cognitive work of preschool has been overly taxing.
Whatever it is, this mama starts to worry about what the future holds for my first born. I wonder if he'll try to process issues from school by spending time alone. I wonder if he'll react to people he's frustrated with by shutting them out. I wonder if I'll know when things are wrong or when he's made bad choices or when he's spiritually struggling. Will I know? will I even have a clue? or will he just try to resolve it by turning inward?
I feel like I didn't worry until I became a mom.
And it's really silly to worry about "what if's" that are ten years down the road. Jesus plainly says not to do it. It's not productive; adds nothing to this day. When I can't even be sure about what might happen tomorrow, there's simply no way for me to know the plans that God has for my life. Or my son's life, for that matter. So, trying to control possible situations that might come up sometime in the future? Absurd. The only thing I should be worrying about is how best to follow him today.
Yet, God can turn these worries into something for his good.
They prepare me. They prepare my heart and mind for some of the struggles that will undoubtedly arise in a sinful world, as I work to raise these children who have been adopted by their Father. They challenge me. They help me formulate how I parent today, knowing that this gift of parenthood brings with it some great responsibilities. They lead me. Most of all, they send me running into his arms of grace.
I don't know what the best reaction to Noah's alone time is. I don't know how to say the right things now so that I can "solve" his future problems. I don't know what decisions I'll regret and what I wish I would have done differently.
I do know this: his Heavenly Father knows all of that.
And that brings me humbly to my knees, asking God for the mercy to follow him this day, in these moments, praying that I would put myself aside and let His wisdom light the path he has planned for his little royalty.