They say during pregnancy that one's balance is off. Blame the extra hormones and lax ligaments. This lack of balance has kept me from so much as touching my road bike for the last seven months, and it makes me extremely "tackle-able" by the boys.
However, my physical balance hasn't been the only thing that's been off lately. As I think this morning about the lessons I'm learning right now, and the ways in which I've been challenged in the previous month, a lack of balance seems to be at the core. For example:
- Today I have plenty of energy and drive. I crossed five things off my to-do list before 9:00 a.m. I think that's twice as many things as I accomplished ALL DAY yesterday, when I was dragging to even get one kid into the car.
- This week, I feel fully connected to my love, which is a glad change of events from last week, where I felt like I was spending more time with the dishes than I was with him.
- On days where the boys are both in preschool or when they take long naps, I am organized and on top of the projects I'm working on. But... that's opposed to every other day of the week when there are either no naps or no down time. On those days, I wonder how I'll ever be able to follow through on the commitments that I've made.
- There are days when I am confident that our family system can handle the change that a new baby will bring. And there are days that the fear of what is to come is so overwhelming that it freezes me in my tracks.
My love calls me a professional waffler. I think he's right. Even so, the chaos of imbalance of the day-to-day is almost enough to drive me bananas.
As long as I'm aware of my need for balance, and the steps to take to achieve it, it should be relatively easy to attain, right? But when I'm put into the driver's seat, I feel like a cautious four year old who isn't ready to give up his training wheels. I hold on to the things that make me comfortable: the very things that hinder me from attaining true balance.
So I land here: the only way to get the balance that I need is to put my mind and heart into complete imbalance, to forget the notion of having my life look like a level balance scale, and instead, to focus solely on the One who outweighs everything else.
There is the stability. There is the end to chaos. And through the imbalance of a heart that is focused, He can bring balance to all that is desired.
You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!